Throughout my life, I have failed on several occasions; on days when I’d forget my umbrella as a primary student, forgetting to study a certain topic on the night before an exam, accidentally deleting an assignment I’d worked on for hours right before the deadline, missing out on a job opportunity because I was unsure about moving, the list goes on and on. But, none of them stopped me from living my life. It made me realize, above all else, I am still a learner; and my “failures” are my “teachers”.
Ever since I was a kid, I have loved to dance. Overtime, it developed into a flourishing hobby as I participated in more and more Bharatnatyam Dance competitions. But, at some point, I began looking at my hobby as a burden that I had to coerce myself into because I was “good at it”. Teachers around me would constantly suggest my name for events that I had no interest in, friends would suggest I display my talent before an audience, and my family hoped I would show them what I’d learned at every gathering. I had become exhausted by the expectations of everyone around me, slowly turning me away from the art itself. It was in the year 2013 when this dislike towards performing progressed beyond my control and I began hiding away from my teachers in hopes that I could avoid the interactions altogether. What I hadn’t realized then was that my unwillingness to perform did not stem from a ‘dislike’ for the art; rather what held me back was the weight of my academics and the pressure that comes along with pursuing success in both- academics as well as dance. As I look back on my memories, communicating my feelings to the people around me would’ve helped me avoid disliking something that used to give me joy. Growing older and experiencing various situations has made me realize just how much importance the “act of communication” holds. Today, I understand my feelings towards my hobby and continue to act on it as long as they fulfil the basic requirement i.e. bring me happiness.
In the 16th year of my life, I finally began to like “studying”. As a 10th Grader living in a country that’s not India, it was essential that I like studying because my future depended on it. I was never really bad at academics, but I could never bring myself to prepare ahead. It’s like I enjoyed torturing myself!? Fortunately, I never failed my exams; but I could never quite do very well either. But, in my 10th grade, I finally found my love for learning, and everyday was like running across a flowery field under the sun. I had finally stumbled upon the perfect teacher who took after-school classes at her home. To say that I had become obsessed with her would be a stretch but not entirely untrue! Every weekday, I desperately waited for the last bell so I could rush back to the car that would take me to her. As we got closer to the Board Exams, I was sincerely confident that I would do well… and I did! I did much better than what I had expected with getting an 8.4 CGPA. I was so happy I wouldn’t have minded if a rocket flew right at me, taking out in the process (I’m kidding!). While celebrating, I took a closer look at my scores, and lo and behold, I had done significantly better in Science than any other subjects. At the time, it was just something to be excited about, but after all the praises from the adults around me, I wholeheartedly believed that Science was the right field for me, I just didn’t know why. It’s very obvious where this is going but I’ll still write it out. I took the Science Track (that too PCM!). A few months in and I already knew, THIS WAS A MISTAKE! But I powered through for a whole year, almost failing Math in the process.
At first, it seemed like I was just having trouble retaining the necessary stuff for exams (which later turned out to be a dislike towards exams as a whole), but that wasn’t the case. I could recall the most obscure, but relevant titbit from the classes months after they were said and I even understood the concepts well because I always answered well whenever my teachers asked me questions. But luck came knocking at my door, though a year late, and I had to move back to India, and it gave me an opportunity to start fresh. My parents took me to an educational counsellor (it might’ve been a scam), after which I came to a realization, I needed a more open structure of learning so that I wouldn’t be boxed in with subjects that were ready to knock me out. Sometimes, the lesson to learn comes later than when needed but what matters is taking the risk of acting on those lessons, even though you know nothing of the consequences; and they bear the sweetest fruits of success.
The year of 2020 was a great year for failures! Set to graduate in May of the year, I had begun my first (of many in the future) session of online classes and it felt like “Fun” (If only I knew!!). I thought to myself, “Just 2 weeks, and I’ll be back on campus”. Unfortunately, I didn’t even get to attend a graduation ceremony let alone say a “final goodbye” to my friends and professors. At the time, it seemed rather insignificant to miss a “party” but a few months later I was eating my own words- aimless and at the cusp of depression. It was the lowest point of my life and it took me 4 years and several therapy sessions to understand just how important that graduation was to me.
“Everything that has a beginning must also have an end” – this applies to anything and everything, especially significant rites of passages like graduation that marks as the “successful end” to years worth of effort into academic achievement. By the time I had come to this realization, I had developed an inability to begin new things and it eventually hurt my future. I had delayed my next step because in my mind, it appeared as though I had ‘run past the finish line but didn’t realize it because there was no ribbon there to signify the end of the race’. I was stuck in a loop trying to figure out why it had become so difficult to even start a new Netflix Series let alone start my professional journey from scratch.
